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Tom Geller announces candidacy for Apple CEO position Job "looks pretty cushy" says dilettante, poetaster "If Apple's going down, it might as well do so in flames." With these words, independent Macintosh product analyst Thomas M. Geller announced his candidacy for CEO of Apple Computer Inc., a post recently vacated by Gilbert F. Amelio. In an extemporaneous press conference, Geller was quick to point the finger of blame for the company's recent troubles. "Too many suits," he opined. "Remember at the 1996 Worldwide Developers Conference, when Gil refused to remove his tie in response to audience catcalls? That action lost Apple gobs of developer goodwill. Hell, I'll remove my pants if I think it'll do any good." Geller, a former editor at industry weekly MacWEEK, and the person credited with naming the national bisexual magazine "Anything That Moves," characterized his program as "the swift kick in the tuchus Apple's been begging for." His proposed program includes the following dicta for Apple employees: A return to a more casual corporate culture. First step: clothing-optional Fridays. A re-assertion of Apple's place in the global marketplace. To better be understood worldwide, Geller recommends Esperanto as the official company language. "Kial do homoj ekster Usono ne kredas je Apple?" he asked. "Pro la lingva problemo! Kaj jen la solvo." Better pricing and forecasting. "Have you ever eaten in a cafeteria on the Apple campus? Five bucks for a lousy hamburger! And they run out early." No more products that burst into flames. When reached for comment, an Apple representative said, "Welcome to the Apple Computer Assistance Center! The center is currently closed. If you would like to access our automated information system, please press 1 now." Apple Computer is a trademark owned by, duh, Apple Computer Inc. So's "Macintosh." To join the grassroots campaign, write to tom@tgeller.com. And please redistribute this missive 'til it hurts. Go To Tom Geller's writings Go Home This page was last updated on Monday, February 09, 2004 at 2:50pm CST. All contents copyright 2005 by Tom Geller.